A Love That Could Never Be
by DaWsOnScReEkQT143
Summary: One Parter! Jen refelcts on her break up with Dawson in a journal entry.


The Love That Can Never Be  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these chars. They belong to Kevin Williamson.  
  
Authors Notes: Jen reflects about her break up with Dawson in a journal entry.  
  
April 3,2002  
  
1:15 a.m.  
  
Dear Journal,  
  
I can't sleep mainly because the events of last night keep replaying over and over again in my head. The break up with Dawson was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do the second time around.  
  
He is the kind of boy I only dreamed about having as my boyfriend. He is like one of those fairy tales guys so to speak. You know the ones that put you up on a petal-still and make you the center of their world. The type of guy that would do anything for you, the kind of guy who would never cheat on you, lie or deceive you in anyway. The ideal boyfriend that's who Dawson is and who he will always be.  
  
I hate the fact that we could never be together romantically. I mean we have tried it twice now and both times ended in failure. The first one granted was my fault I was just a stupid 15 year old at the time not ready for the kind of relationship he was offering me, or maybe it was that I was just scared because I really never was treated as well as he treated me and I didn't know how to handle it. I am still to this day not quite sure which one it is but who knows maybe its a little bit of both.  
  
Now this time when we broke up I think it was harder then the first. This time no one really broke up with anyone it was a mutual agreement which only told me the more that were not meant for each other. That's a hard conclusion to come to seeing as how I always knew we would get another chance and I always had that little bit of hope that it would work the second time around, that we would be together forever. Its something I hoped and longed for, for a long time now. But as of 6 hours and 15 minutes ago that all changed. Its just simply not meant to be for us.  
  
I know I had as much part in the break up as he I mean I was the one who brought it up but I still can't help but feel heartbroken by this. I feel like a little girl who just got her heartbroken by the first boy she ever loved. I feel as though I lost something very special and close to my heart. I did though I did lose something very special to me I lost Dawson as my boyfriend as my lover. I can't help but wonder if I will become jealous if and when he gets a new girlfriend. Will I want to claw her eyes out, rip her away from Dawson and say that she's not good enough for him?  
  
Actually I don't think anyone will ever be good enough for Dawson he is the best guy by far. He only deserves the best. But the best is sometimes hard to find especially for someone like him who deserves so much from a partner, from a girlfriend, from a lover.  
  
I can only hope that we remain close friends the way we were before we had sex. I know that's asking a lot and things won't be exactly the same but I can settle for it being partly the same. I need him in my life in some shape or form. He is just too much a part of my life to lose him completely. We have been through so much over the past 5 years and we have overcome great obstacles and still remained as close as ever. Which leads me to think that we will still be close friends even after this. But then there is that other part that's saying its different this time. That when you add sex into the equation it rarely or never works out the way you want it.  
  
I know when you have sex with someone that's one of your closest friends your taking a huge chance. Your gambling with your relationship and I knew this when it happened. Yet I still let it happen and now who knows were are relationship will end up or what's left of our relationship. I guess I'll never learn, I know I have done this so many times before in New York with my guy friends and each and every time it turned out badly. The friendships I had with them suddenly weren't there. There was more hatred and mistrust then anything and of course there was a lot more using each other to get our sexual energies released.  
  
I know Dawson and my relationship won't turn out that bad because Dawson isn't the type to just use me for sex and he could never hate me I know that. I just hope that things aren't too weird with us just being friends. I hope that we can go back to being just Dawson and Jen good friends like we were all last year and the spring of 1999/2000. When Jack, Andie, and I were there for him when Joey set sail with Pacey for the summer. But can a friendship stay the same after so much has changed already?  
  
I don't know what to think of it anymore. I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning when I wake up and go into the kitchen for my morning coffee and he is already there eating breakfast with Jack. That will be the true test seeing how we handle things the morning after the break-up and living in the same house even though were not together anymore. Seeing what are first words will be, if there's any awkwardness, or if its just like any other morning.  
  
Well I know there's going to be some form of awkwardness I would be naive if I didn't believe there would be. But I would just like to see how the level of awkwardness is and how we both handle it.  
  
So until then..... 


End file.
